Irish Science

It was a colossal thing. Tipped from a small dustbin, it smashed against the graffiti-ed table. I bet the cow would be pissed, to see its now frozen heart, veins stuffed with ice, slammed onto the table like a good school girl slut.

“Ah you feckin’ Genius, the fuckin’ thing is frozen through. Get the poor sod of me table before I put your head through it.” The supposedly science teacher flared liked ginger bull.

“Only on this feckin’ island would you have the gall to dump that frozen lump of shite on me table!”

The frozen heart was the true mother load. It took me three whole night shifts, scrubbin’ blood at the butcher’s to get it. And of course it’d be frozen still, after two more nights of it swimming in a lukewarm bathtub.

Me mother wasn’t at all thrilled, but it was for me education. And me mother, the sweet ol’ bat, actually let me away with it! She even scrubbed the bathtub after. Until the bleach and the blood became almost too suspicious….. I haven’t seen me dad in a while.

“Your lucky you don’t have a brain or else you’d be fuckin’ dangerous.” My dearest science teacher screamed. Her fists gripped a nearby scalpel meant to dissect the beast’s heart. And waved it with the grace and nature of a prima ballerina, as her hands flew softly from all sides.

I guess it didn’t help that me face was me face and I had the usual grin on it. Like a smug little dunce.

“Ah right now, you think it’s just a bit of fun, havin’ a laugh now are we!” She screeched and lunged all in the same bolt of energy. But I guess her foot got caught on the toe of the stool. ‘Cause she came crashin’ down without her dancer’s grace.

Her face with SMACKKK straight into the frozen lump of cow flesh. She was unconscious for a good while before anyone thought to check for breath. We just watched the sound of it all racket against the cow’s heart.

Later as I sat with the principle in his little cupboard of might. He didn’t know to send us home or give us a medal. The silence was a fly on the rim of his coffee cup, that went splat under the principle’s hairy palm. As the fly had the ignorance to try for his biscuits.

He sighed the final verdict.

“Just don’t go doing it again in the future.”